Parenting

Cheerful Children

/ Lee A. Robinson / Leave a comment

How to develop and keep consistently cheerful & content children. 

Our homes are meant to be happy places. The addition of children is only supposed to make it even more happy. Children really are amazing – they are cute, creative and funny in ways that adults have just forgotten how to be. God’s will for our homes is that they would be filled with a consistent atmosphere of joy and contentment. We cannot expect perfection from the kids: we live in a fallen world and we would be demanding them to be something that we ourselves fail to be. However, we should expect that our children receive their rightful place, which is to be gladly obedient and under submission. Their role is to be a good-natured citizen of the home – a joyful participant – not a tyrannical, fit-throwing dictator. If this is God’s design and desire, then it is possible (with God’s grace and practical, Biblical wisdom) to develop these traits consistently in them. We will look at two ways to achieve this goal… 

  1. Insistent, Persistent & Consistent Discipline. 
  2. Modeling Cheerfulness & Humility. 

Discipline

Children do not come into the world angels; neither are they demons; but kinda somewhere in between. They are made in our image – meaning they got some work to do. Children arrive to the world morally deformed and corrupt needing reformation and correction. Psalm 58:3 says “The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies.” Psalm 51:5 David says, “Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.” Ephesians 2:3 tells us that those cute little bundles are “by nature children of wrath.” Children come into the world very needy: they need love, comfort; they need to be fed, changed and played with – but they are also in desperate need of correction & discipline. If they have a poopy diaper, are overtired or miss a meal they will not be content and cheerful; but neither will they be content and cheerful if they go without much needed rebukes and spankin’s. 

Discipline by definition is the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior: using punishment to correct disobedience and rewards to praise obedience. Children can be trained. In fact, they are always being trained – every day – the code of behavior (the culture of their home) is being instilled in them. The question though is: which code of behavior are they being trained to follow? Are they being trained to obey or disobey? Children will not naturally grow into patient, submissive, quiet, cheerful creatures. That kind is possible, but it requires dedicated training on the part of the parent. Like anything in this world that we want to work seamlessly, parenting requires focused and faithful attention. A conditioned athlete cannot miss practices and fudge their healthy eating routine. Neither will a child become conditioned to joy if parents regularly skip moments of training. So, we need to train our children to obey. How do we do this? Three key elements are being insistent, persistent and consistent in our discipline. 

 Insistent. The first thing we need to do in training is to give our children crystal clear instructions. There must be no confusion with either parent or child about what the rules are. For example:  

  • How many times is it acceptable to disobey mommy or daddy? 
  • What kind of attitude is required when we obey?
  • Must the children obey immediately, or can they take their time and obey when their schedule permits?  
  • What is the consequence for disobedience?
  • Is everyone on the same page here???

It should go without saying, but we will say it anyhow – that it is the parents who should be making the rules, not the children. And this being the case – it is also the parents responsibility to make sure that everyone keeps the rules – EVERY TIME. So, right now, in your home life, how many times is it ok for your child to disobey? The only right answer should be zero. If that is your rule as a parent – are you keeping the rules by ensuring that every single time they are disobedient they receive the appropriate consequence? If not, then are you not training your children to be disobedient? If you don’t keep the rules, then why should they? The only correct posture for a parent to assume is that of insistence. We must demand that our children (God’s children that we are responsible for) do the right thing. Refusing to obey, mocking, throwing fits, laughing, running away, screaming and damaging things are not acceptable. If you allow your children to do any of these, and you allow them to consistently do these things, then you are training your children to be discontent and unhappy. Every single time there is disobedience, there needs to be a fitting consequence. So, what is the Biblical method of correction? Hint: it is not giving them a cookie or privileging them with watching a movie.  

Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (early, diligently).

Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13-14 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. 

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.

The Bible is very, very consistently clear – The Biblically prescribed method of discipline is not yelling; it is not giving them a “time out;” or putting them on drugs; but is rather corporal punishment (physical punishment): the Rod. Whatever tool you use, it is understood that force needs to be appropriate to the age and physical constitution of the child. Our goal is not to damage or abuse the child; but the rod is not accomplishing its purpose if it does not hurt. A more precise goal is that we are looking for it to sting. Spanking on the butt is a great place, since it is tender, but also well padded. And also, instinct just seems to point us in that direction for some reason.  

So, here we go. The child knows the rules. You know the rules. Dad or Mom gives a simple command, the child obeys quickly and cheerfully and everyone stays happy. Or, the child disobeys: he or she does not swiftly and cheerfully obey. Dad or Mom removes the child from the situation to a private location, and said child receives an appropriate “bee sting” for being foolish. Which leads us to the next element of effective discipline: persistence. 

This is a very important moment in the correction process. It can make or break your whole effort. What do you do, as a parent, if you are in the “correction room,” in the very act of administering corporal punishment, and your child is still breaking the rules: not being submissive; not being completely obedient to you? What are you to do? Well, what are the rules? If they are not cheerfully obedient, every single time – including, and especially including now – then they need a few more “bee stings” in the bee-hind. Disobedience has not been fully dealt with until there is 100%, absolute, cheerful submission. The self-will of the child must be broken and surrendered to the supreme-will of the parent. There should be no bad attitude; zero hesitation to comply; If they are old enough there needs to be verbal apologies. If this is done correctly: parent and child will both emerge from the correction chamber cheerful, settled and at peace. A sense of purity, righteousness and reconciliation should fill the air. The parent should have total confidence that they are in absolute control of the house and the child. 

Now, if this is done, and done consistently, the good news is that the child will be conditioned with the mindset that their parents don’t play games. What is the result? They are going to more consistently keep the rules, because who likes bee-stings? And what are the rules? If I am happy and submissive then mommy is happy.

The third key element in effective discipline has already been alluded to several times: the all important practice of being consistent. Parenting is a full time job and a primary job. If there is anything more important to you than your child’s welfare, then your priorities are mixed up. And part of their welfare is getting an attitude change as much as a diaper change. Take the time to deal with their disobedience now, or else you will be forced to deal with their disobedience later (and it will take more time and energy later). The happiness and contentment of your child will largely depend on how consistent you are in discipline. If it is occasional their cheerfulness will be occasional; if it is sporadic, then you are communicating to your child that they are not that important; they are not worthy of continual care. But if you are diligent; if you raise the standard to happiness, and keep the bar there, then that’s most likely where they will live. There should not be one time when your child is ruling the roost. They will attempt a run on your rightful authority at times, but that needs to be nipped in the bud.  

Having covered the process of insistent, persistent and consistent discipline. We will conclude with an encouragement to model cheerfulness & humility to our children. Most things are better caught than taught. Children are very impressionable. If you are gentle and cheerful (combined with giving them consistent and godly discipline), chances are – they will be too. If you yell at your kids while givin’ them a whoopin’, or instead of givin’ them a whoopin’, then you are not keeping the rules and it would be good for them to see you apologize for doing wrong. If you fail to correct and punish them for wrongdoing, it would also do them good for you to apologize for that. Children respond better to action than anger. If you are frustrated with your children (which is probably due to you not training them properly) and you react to them in an unkind way, then they are probably going to react to you and others in unkind ways. Paul tells us to provoke not our children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4) We are to rear them up in the same way that the Lord rears us. Our Father is strict, but he is also lenient, kind and merciful. He is firm, but gentle. He always responds to our disobedience, but does not weigh us down with burdens too hard to bear. Children are childish, we must remember that; just as our Father knows our frame and remembers that we are dust. We should pity our children as God pities us. Reassure them that you love them, that you forgive them, and that you understand that it is hard to be a child. Make sure they know that you are sorry for not being a perfect parent: for the times when you are too hard, and for the times when you are too soft. Hate disobedience in them and hate it also in yourself. Be as eager to vanquish wrongdoing in yourself – in this parent-child relationship – as much as you are to vanquish it in them. Discontentment and disobedience is from the Devil, so don’t let him in your home. 

No one wants a child who could at any moment blow up and completely change the family plans. If we follow God’s wisdom in this area, we will enjoy God’s blessing in this area: Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul. (Proverbs 29:17)

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child

/ Lee A. Robinson / Leave a comment
https://youtu.be/zlPyQhtlCHQ
Sweet Little Johnny

Scripture shows us the way to have consistently happy and cheerfully obedient children. I believe the way mainly involves 3 things: #1 Clear Instructions, #2 Swift & Appropriate Discipline, and #3 Consistency, Consistency, Consistency. The set-up is pretty simple: Give your children crystal clear instructions and expectations. If they do not cheerfully obey, right away (slow obedience is no obedience), then they must be swiftly and appropriately corrected. The Bible’s clear means of correction is corporal punishment; the Biblical terminology is “the rod;” or otherwise known as a good ol’ fashioned spankin.’ And this pattern of clear instruction/swift appropriate discipline must happen every. single. time. Let’s look at these things more closely…  

Step #1 Crystal Clear Instructions 

It’s not always easy to serve God, but it is usually not complex. Certainly our Father only chastises us for things we clearly know that we should not be doing. Following our Lord’s example, we must make our will very clearly known to our children. We must give them crystal clear instructions, such as: “Johnny, pick up your toys and put them in this toy box.” Your tone of voice should be calm, cool and collected. What you instructed was not confusing or too difficult. The outcome is purely a matter of THE WILL – Is Johnny going to submit to your will, or is he going to demand that you submit to his? Johnny may rebel quietly and just look at the floor; he might look at you sweetly and cheerfully say, “No mommy;” he may yell and scream and throw a fit. Regardless of how he disobeys, if he does not immediately, cheerfully submit to your will, then he is in a state of rebellion. This is when we must go to step #2…

Step #2 Swift & Appropriate Discipline

When Johnny chooses to disobey your clear command, it is time for your appearance as Instructor to morph into that of a Judge (while still continuing to be an instructor as well). Johnny crossed the line, is currently in sin (Honor thy father and thy mother), and must be helped out (and stopped). What are we supposed to do? Does the Bible speak about how to penalize a child for disobedience? Let’s first talk about what not to do, then we’ll discuss what we should do. 

First, do not react by raising your voice. The Bible does not instruct us to yell at our kids. If Johnny disobeys your command and your reaction is to raise your voice, so as to threaten him into submission, what have you just done? You have communicated to him that it is acceptable to disobey quiet commands- he should only obey when you are yelling and threatening him. We don’t want that. You have also told him that it is acceptable to disobey, at least once anyway. Yeah, he may have to deal with a little backlash, but other than that he’s good to go. You are also training him that if he does not get his way, that the way to get it is by yelling at people and threatening them. Is this the way you want your child treating other people? Could it be that his fits of rage at Walmart are at least in part an imitation of how you react to him when he is trying to assert his authority over you? 

What usually, unfortunately happens, in scenarios like this one with Johnny? After the initial instruction and disobedience, little Johnny will just repeatedly disobey. Mommy (or Daddy) will keep saying the same command, a whole bunch of times, increasingly getting more and more frustrated and loud. Eventually she gets up, angry, frustrated and now physically does something to Johnny, like picking him up and removing him from the situation. Then Johnny flips out as though he is being assaulted by someone, kicking, screaming, and yelling – as though mommy is the one who is being evil and unreasonable. Then what usually happens is there is some kind of compromise, “Now Johnny, if you do what I ask I’ll give you a snack.” Then to some degree or another there is a compromise. 

Johnny learned, yet again, how many times he can disobey without without mommy doing something to him. If you do this regularly you are training him to disobey that many times. How many times? perhaps 2, 3, 4, 8, 10 times??? What has also happened is that Johnny is completely ruling the roost. He made you completely stop what you were doing to tend to him. He went into an all out tyrannical episode right in your living room, and ended up getting a cookie out of the ordeal. 

Now, what does Scripture tell us we should do?    

Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (early, diligently).

Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13-14 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. 

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.

The Bible is very consistently clear – God’s preferred method of discipline is not yelling; it is not giving them a “time out;” or putting them on drugs; but is rather corporal punishment (physical punishment). Is there any question about that from these passages? 

So, let’s apply this to Johnny’s situation…when Johnny disobeys: calmly, confidently, look him straight into his eyes, tell him that he is sinning against God; that he is in a state of rebellion against you; and that according to God’s command you are going to punish him. Go retrieve your appropriate tool for discipline and apply it to Johnny (I would suggest something that brings stinging power rather than force. The goal is not in any way whatsoever to damage Johnny’s body – a bee sting will go away soon enough, but it will certainly get his attention. Perhaps a switch or something of a similar slender, flexible, but firm composition. Also, since the Bible speaks about “the rod,” I think we would be wise to follow God’s advice: so don’t use your hand. It has been pointed out that our hands should be symbols of comfort for our children, but a rod is a neutral object that they should fear). When you apply the rod correctly it should sting. If it doesn’t actually hurt then what have you accomplished??? Nothing. Well, actually you have – you’ve accomplished communicating to them that sin doesn’t have real consequences, it doesn’t really hurt. “Son, sin may threaten you, but it won’t actually hurt. It may bark at you, but it will never bite.” If it doesn’t hurt, then it is a fake punishment. There needs to be consequences that strike fear. Johnny is not getting punished for making the floor messy with his toys – that kind of problem is easily removed. Rather, he is being punished because he has been mounting a direct assault on the most fundamental authority in his life – his parents. He is a rebel, a tyrant who is resisting his God given authority. This is a serious and high crime. Johnny’s heart should melt and his flesh should sting. He should be crying out in his heart, “I do not want this to happen to me ever again!” Don’t spank a child over his jeans – the spanking is for Johnny, not Johnny’s jeans.  

After you have applied the rod, Johnny should have a submissive spirit. He should be broken and totally obedient and submissive to you. If he is, he will humbly and cheerfully obey your every request, with no resistance – no arguing, no pouting, no murmuring or complaining. There should only be quiet, cheerful submission. If there’s not, then there is still sin present, and the same process needs to happen again, until there is absolute compliance. If you discipline, even if it really stung, and he leaves that encounter still defiant, in any way, then you have failed. His will was not broken. The only reason he obeyed you this time is because you are stronger than he, but that will change. Or, he will walk away plotting how he can still act the same without getting the same consequences.  

Once Johnny regains his composure, this is a wonderful, wonderful moment to bond with him and to teach him the Gospel. Say something like, “Jonathan, I love you very much. I don’t ever want to see you upset, angry, or hurt in your life. You have to understand that when you sin there are consequences. I am doing this because I love you and because I don’t want to see you get hurt by making the wrong choices. I forgive you for what you have done. I love you and no amount of wrong choices will ever make me love you less, or think less of you. You are my Son and nothing will ever change that…Son, you have disobeyed me, but more importantly you have sinned against God. You have disobeyed God and God is committed to punishing sin. Thankfully, Jesus came to suffer for your sins. Your bottom may sting a little right now, but Jesus gave his whole body and soul to be tortured for you. He was suffering God’s wrath for your sins. Johnny, you need to ask God to forgive you for what you have done, so that you are not “spanked” by God in Hell forever. In the same way I love you, God loves you, but you must submit to him, just as you are submitting to me right now.” 

After instructing him, this is a wonderful moment to pray together. Encourage him to pray out loud to God and ask for forgiveness. Lead him in a prayer if he needs it. Then pray for him. Pray that God would help him to be an obedient child and to be joyful in his calling in life and to have God’s strength and help to do it well.

If all of this process is done correctly, you both should emerge from training with a sense of cleansing, freedom, peace and joy. The toys will be quietly and promptly picked up, but much more importantly there will be a stronger bond between you both because your friendship and fellowship has been restored. You will be happy and refreshed and so will he. Before, when Johnny would throw a fit to get his way, did he look happy? Was he really happy? No. True happiness comes from doing what is right. Parent, it is your job to insist that he does do what is right. Purity, justice and following God’s order produces peace and joy. Sin unleashed and not dealt with produces division, anger, and decay.  

#3 Consistency, Consistency, Consistency. 

How many times is it ok for a child to disobey? Not once. Not one time. This verse comes to mind: “For if the word spoken by angels was stedfast, and every transgression and disobedience received a just recompense of reward…” (Hebrews 2:2) God does not play games. He does not give us optional commands. When God tells us to do something, and we do not do it, there is always some kind of negative consequence. If we are to be like God, and love our children, we must consistently give them clear instructions and follow through with them. Johnny knows that you are supposed to spank him if he is disobedient. If you don’t, you are training him that it is ok to disobey God. If he follows your example then he will not obey you. If you tell him, “If you do that one more time, you’re gonna go into the corner,” and do not follow through then you are lying to your child. What motivation does he have when a liar is asking him to do something? 

Is it inconvenient and a bother to have to go through this whole ordeal every time Johnny does something wrong? Yes, it is. But what is your calling in life? Is there anything more important than your kids? Maybe you need to stop playing on your phone so much and pay more attention to your actual responsibility. 

But here’s the really special thing – If you are consistent and you discipline correctly, the amount of times you are going to have to deal with it will be significantly less, or perhaps even non existent. If Johnny knows, from experience, that if he does not cheerfully obey you, submissively, that it is a guarantee that in about 60 seconds his behind is going to feel like a huge bee stung it, how many times do you think Johnny is going to want to disobey? The problem with repetitive disobedience and “fits” is that you have trained him to be rebellious, by consistently allowing it. 

The hardest part is going to be the very beginning. If your child is 3, 4, 5 years old, and you have not insisted on unquestioned obedience and submission, then you are going to be turning his world upside down by following this. Don’t give up. You have to stick with it for days, weeks, months and years. But the major results should be seen within the first instance. 

I hope that something here is helpful to you, and I hope that you enjoy the good fruit of following God’s way in this matter. Please contact me if you would like to discuss these things further.